Savory Crunchies (aka Chips)

It’s a hot day and I’m standing in the chip isle trying to pick something to bring to a BBQ dinner. My friend Kim has officially designated me as the chip bringer. I resolutely decide it is because of my expertise in chips and snacking and not the fact that no one has seen me cook since I moved back to Alaska. My eyes scan up and down the colorful rumpled squares of crispiness, trying to decide what kind of crowd this will be. I put the chip decision making on hold and head over to the organic isle.


The savory snacks in the organic isle tend to be thicker cut, have unique flavoring, but have a greater ratio of nastiness to goodness. You just never know if the hippies will get it right or utterly wrong. On the up side, if the flavor fails you can at least applaud yourself on choosing a “healthier” alternative. One fail proof for this approach is Kettle Chips. Though these have just as much fat and calories as any other chip so really you’re just choosing a more complex blend of spices such as “New York Cheddar, Spicy Thai or Sea salt & Vinegar. One note on the Sea salt, I find these disgusting as they taste like metal. It’s straight up offense to my taste buds – but a majority of people seems to go wild over them.

Pita Chips are a favorite of my girlfriend Erica. They are exactly as described, pita bread turned into crispy chips with lots of salt. Oh and the salt is wonderful. A favorite of mine that aren’t too overpowering are the Hint of Lime Tostitos chips. One of my health conscious friends pointed out to me that they have MSG in the ingredient list. So, I’ve now realized that I’m actually a big fan of MSG. I know what you’re thinking, gross, but this is what gives that extra zing to Tostitos, Doritos Cool Ranch, Lay’s Sour Cream and Onion, need I say more? These are unarguably some of the cream of the crop of the classic chip varieties. Back to the chip selection for this BBQ. My senses are telling me to go for something that packs a punch and crackling crunch . No success in organics so back to the down and dirty, mass marketed chips. It’s a BBQ after all. And Pita Chips require something to dip like hummus which I’m not in the mood to mess with.

Then it hits me, why not combine the best of all worlds and grab a mixed chip. Muchies!! Muchies are not just an aftermath of a particular recreation (I know what you all are thinking). They are a fantastic mix of Doritos, Cheetos, Rold Gold, Sunchips and Fritos. All your favorites in one savory little package (I say little in the most literal way because they do jip you on the size – I suppose it’s the price you pay for variety). I am convinced that my love of this snack correlates with my love of buffets. Why pick one thing when you can have them all? That’s just smart economics. As if Munchies couldn’t get any better, they have a cheese variety, cool ranch and flamin’ hot. Good god, little fiestas in your mouth of every type!

So, back to my BBQ decision making. I grab the cheese fix variety (the most classic) and head to the check out – so proud of my thoughtful chip selection. When I show up to the BBQ I simply make a joke about being single (this always gets you out of cooking), and plop the chips on the table which is filled with many homemade delights. But…alas there were no chips so I’m satisfied that I was able to fulfill this niche. The next day at work my friend Kim sheepishly admits she finished the rest of the Muchies for breakfast. A successful chip trip creates stronger bonds in my friendship. Double score.

Some like it rough - Hard Candies

Hard candies are a paradox for me. I love them, and yet I hate their simplicity. And god, why do they have to be THAT HARD?! No layers of chocolate. No hidden morsels. No real variance in texture. Humph. Well –one thing is for sure. This is the old fashioned way to get down and get your sugar fix. Of course I’m way too inpatient to suck on them for any length of time so you guessed it – tooth breaking fun. For those of you that can hold out, you will enjoy a softer hard candy. Bravo to you.

Aside from the disgust, I am so very, very guilty of eating the hard candies. They always show up when no other candy does. At a cheap Mexican restaurant for instance. Or while waiting at an insurance agency. And always while at the bank.

There’s a bowl of glittering cellophane wrapped little pineapple, strawberry, butterscotch and werther’s. They’re strewn into the bowl haphazardly to say “Here’s your stinkin customer service”. I always manage to grab pineapple. Pure, hard yellow candy with a slightly softened interior. The wrapper has a pineapple cartoon, mocking me that there are in fact NO pineapples used in this product. But when the going gets rough and you need a mouth fix – these babies always find a way back into my heart.

The only thing hard candies have going for them is their ability to mimic a large variance of sweet flavors. For instance, the butterscotch vs. cinnamon. Lemon vs. cream soda vs. A&W root beer. And let’s not forget Jolly Ranchers. The most classic of fruity flavors in hardy candy brands. One note on the A&W root beer candies – I would rather have a cat lick my tongue than eat one of those vile things. I have met many people that like them, and am forever confused by their taste preferences.

Another questionable hard candy is the classic peppermint wheel. Found at every cheap restaurant in America. Sometimes you get one where the white has been tinted pink – don’t be fooled. It’s still an overly peppermint, sugar hard candy that leaves your mouth dry. The chocolate mint variety of these are also bad. Stay away from all peppermint themed hard candies in public settings. Exceptions to this are toffee with peppermint chunks and peppermint patties. These are delicious.

All Things Chewy

Sometimes snacking requires something that fights back. I enjoy a bit of a mouth struggle when it comes to things that are sour and chewy. Take, for instance, Sour Punch Straws. These have become my latest favorite movie snack because they’re sharable, fun to eat and great for those with an oral fixation. Sour Straws have not yet proven me wrong for a sweet tooth cure that is not in the cake family/chocolate family. That’s an entirely different subject that would take pages of analyzation. However, their addictive nature can be dangerous. When I find myself in my studio late at night with a package of sour straws, it can be detrimentally deadening for taste buds the next day. So I caution ye sour lovers – love wisely and in moderation.

We cannot discuss chewy without mentioning the iconic Abba Zaba. I first became enamored with the white taffy filled with peanut butter invention when it premiered on Half Baked. So, I've been a seasoned chewy enjoyer for many years (I'm dating myself here). “Abba Zaba, you’re my only friend!” exclaimed Thurgood Jenkins (aka Dave Chapelle’s ingenious character). This sweet can best be described as a thick piece of white taffy, filled with sweet peanut butter. The taffy stretches for miles. Tooth caution: Abba Zaba can be so hard it will rip your teeth out. I prefer to sit on it for a few minutes beforehand to soften. This also elongates the snack waiting time – always a sure fire way to increase the snack pleasurability factor. To the sickos: don't mistake this description. This is a wholesome blog folks.

Lastly I would like to touch on Bit o Honey. These little chews are closer to the Abba Zaba family than sour straws. In fact, I had to weed out some snacks that would fall more under the “gummy” category of sweets. There is a distinct difference between gummy and chewy – gummies are a gelatinous based candy whereas chewies are taffy-like with a little more fight. This definition comes straight from Snackmaster Laboratories (aka my studio). Bit ‘o honey is a nutty alternative to Laffy Taffy – has a slight creaminess and is a definite hard chew. This little chew packs some punch and can last several minutes.

Chews as they relate to life: well, I used to be a smoker. I take solace in my chewy treats as they satisfy my need for gnawing/sucking/inhaling something. Chewies are also a great time passer. Bored in class? Have a dull budget report to do at work? Sitting through a long meeting? This my friends is why I keep a stash of chewy candies handy at all times. However, I would not recommend chewies if you’re going to be highly visible. With all the required chomping, you will look like a horse. Reserve hard candies for these instances. More on hard candies in weeks to come…

Take into consideration this is a blog, and thus I cannot dedicate all the necessary time and research to featuring all delicious chewy snacks. Feel free to post something, or email me if you have uncovered a delight that simply must be shared. After all, sharing in caring.